to be all those things you hated.

I am driving myself crazy. Seriously. Is this what they feel like? I've walked from my bedroom to the kitchen to Michelle's room to the bathroom at least 15 times. I made toast for no reason. I did dishes that weren't mine just to pass some time, but stopped 3 times to run and check my phone. If I send another text he'll surely kill me, let alone catch onto how unnerved I am. I don't know if I'm making the wrong decision or the right decision but I am sick of making no decision at all. The girls, they all want me to just marry Andre and make beautiful, weird Portuguese babies. I would...but not really. The List has always gotten the best of me. In fact it's the ones who completely destroy me that beat me at my own game. I love it when they win, good for them. Good for them for putting me in my place.

I have become a little brat since this Condition left. Not only do I not understand not getting what I want, but I also become annoyingly perplexed when immediate attention is not administered upon request. I am a spoiled brat. Jay knows this. So does Devin. Randi likes to say it in nicer ways. If he were here, Mike would sit me down and call me out as I pouted and scowled his way. We'd both know he was right and he'd say, "Oh stop. That face doesn't work on me."

I put myself on blog and book arrest for a day because I am driving myself crazy. Seriously. I am in disarray with this constant unsettling feeling. This inability to relax, to breathe. I feel like something's coming that I am not ready for and I don't know what hatches to batten down, thus I am left with noticeably shaking hands and a scared brow bone. But it's not this I am afraid of, is it. These perplexities are but a mask to keep warring sides at bay.

I think I'm dating like 12 guys. And here I sit. A few questionable decisions later, doing the same ritual of lesser intensity. Is this really my game? Or is it theirs? Player or pawn. I know I have to wait for the next text. The question is, will I be sane enough to receive it with grace.







...Ricky.
"A Steady Approach To Sanity" by: The Years Gone By