"No girls at band practice."

I'm at This Condition practice. Nate said I could. He asked if I was going to write the whole time and when I answered an assertive, "yup!" he said that maybe I couldn't come after all, that he'd feel pressured. I'm here anyways, and I am writing.

They take a while to get set. Nate sits cross legged with his acoustic in his lap and yells politely to Stevie to please stop smashing the shit out of his set until after he's done tuning. Nicky just plugs in and waits. He mulls around in aimless awkwardness waiting to start, thumbing old Green Day lines and puffing his cheeks out. Ant and Mike try to warm up frozen equipment. Mike rubs his 6 with a blanket and I think that while he looks questionably dorky to me a lot of the time, he may actually know what he's doing.

I've never heard Nathen warm up his voice before. Now, he disappears into the back and in between contrasting riffs and high hats I hear scales that I know. It gives me an eerie chill of foreign depth that I was unaware was even between us.

And then the 5 of them, they just come out in the middle of a song. I have not left the room, yet I don't remember any one beginning or stated bridge. "Watching over me, watching over..." They discuss their intro, a remedied version made just for you at Highline Ballroom. It sounds like a river to me, coming from some horizon where things are better and we are loved. And there it is: Nate smiles. And it is suddenly like we are right back at every show they've ever played, in every moment we've ever spent together. Smiles bridge time gaps. And so does this intro, it's like coming back home. Mike smiles at Nate smiling, who catches me smiling. Nicky smiles all the time and Anthony only smiles when he catches someone looking at him (mostly me lol). I like how Nate smiles at Nicky. This whole week something has been off but, Nate always smiles at Nicky. He even smiles through Mike correcting Nicky on about 4 things at once. Nicky smiles at me being there and at his open top string. Nate leaves out half words and whole verses as he both rests and warms his voice and I get to hear Anthony's leads like I never have before. They are far more intricate and unique than I have ever stressed. Pure. I see things I know; Nate's "one time a week" pointer finger and his microphone stand hop. Nick's hyper-extended little legs popping in and out of quirky. I hear things that I know; Mike's "can we try this??" voice and Anthony's inquisition in accent. I move so I can see Stevie better. "Are you gonna tune your drums in between every song like you always do?" Nate picks on Stevie and everyone laughs at the truth in it. "Steve, you're not laughing Steve." Haha. Nate does this KILLA mock shout out to nyc that puts me in the Ballroom tomorrow and gives me the bubbles under my diaphragm that push and push my insides until I giggle.

I should watch Nicky more. He's really fucking good. Here I have a blushing realization about those hands..and I come to the admittance that I AM a band girl and that in this case, I am totally okay with that. Every argument is Mike disagreeing until everyone trails off and it's just Nate talking Mike in a circle to the point where Mike agrees with him. Its impressive, really. I like the very subtle attention my presence gets. I like that I feel like just a fly on the wall. Sure Nick smiles at me and Anthony shoots a bullet down the barrel of his 6-string at me with a wink, but they just go on with it. I respect them more for the attention I'm not getting than anything else tonight.

Stevie's really fucking good as well. Shit, I wonder what it is to be them. Do they know they're this good? I know they believe in it, but do they know it? Nate tries to get something across and has to walk around laying fingers across fret boards to get them to focus on the same thing.

Mostly Nicky is the public version of himself; kinda goofy but intent on being cool. It's a version that we all know, one that makes us shake our heads and laugh. I just caught him giving me an in-private Nicky face though, and I find it strikingly genuine. It makes me feel like the girl he knows, rather than the girl they all know.

Anthony's a dancer too, like Nate. He stands on his toes way more than I've ever noticed. And he catches me being way more in the moment than I ever wanted any of them to notice. I've been humbled and I smile to acknowledge and give him points. Nate bops around and plays right in front of Mike's disagreeing face for attention. He craves attention. I hear a lot of the last line of 'Red Letter' because they are trying to write in a kick ass mechanical drum fit for Steve that Nate asserts with, "I seriously think that's the best thing Steve's ever done!" I hear a lot of, "Ok let's do it for real now" (Nate) and "Were we playing something?" (Nicky,) And of course the classic, "What the hell was that?" (Nate to Anthony.) Nate and Mike get in an epic fight. And by epic I mean not that uncommon or serious at all. There's a good bout of yelling about Mike's attitude which only worsens it. The rest of the band mates go from laughing to trying to change the focus in order to move on and back again. I am writing. Just writing in gratitude that I'm getting such quality in this opportunity. I will commend them on 2 things specifically; they are not melodramatic to the point where all practicing is cut. They don't cry over spilled sour milk. And also, I hear them honestly get EVERYONE'S opinion and majority consensus on matters up for change. These are somethings bands I've been around in the past haven't include in their equipment. I've been to plenty early-ended practices and that's probably why those bands are spinning their tour van wheels.

The 5 of them have this creative epiphany on doing planned guitar neck snaps on certain accents. Mike insists, "Nooo! That's mine and Nicky's thing!" But Nate assures him that he and Ant are only stealing it, not to worry. Again the talk-to-convince circle; 1/4 wit, 1/4 charm, and 1/2 trust. They do the snap all together and they look like Ghostbusters. Yeah, rocking their jet packs right after a big paranormal nab. Nate is definitely Venkman and Nicky is definitely Winston.

Musicians are dancers. I don't think that necessarily is so in the reverse but as this practice wraps up it's the best conclusion I can relate to. They move amazingly; the natural quality is stunning. They're choreographers too. Their half steps and hooks dance across measures of staffs and into the kind of immorality that only the arts can provide. Despite what my critics say I haven't sworn my soul away to another profession. Musicians and dancers, we are the same species. But the things I get to hear, to see, to feel...those are things exclusive to this scene and to that, I have pledged my heart.